I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
