I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
