My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
