My friends, they love my intelligence
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
