I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
