I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
