so explain again why im purple
no
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
