It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
