Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
