soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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