I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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