Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
