im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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