You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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