I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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