when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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