I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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