I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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