you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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