Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
