I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
