ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
