im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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