Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
