I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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