i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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