And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
