You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I party with great urgency now.
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