you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
