I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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