Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
