I wish my penis had an off switch
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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