u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
