i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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