I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
