do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
