you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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