the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
