dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
