i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The uberlube is also flammable
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
