You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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