She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
