How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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