It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
