Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
