Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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