The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
