ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
