the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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