I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
