I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I need a beard to bite.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
