This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
