I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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