What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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