my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
How external is "for external use only"?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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