doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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