Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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