I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
