Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
